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Big feelings about manhood + Chelsea Devantez on why to throw yourself a great wedding
Before I tell you anything else, watch this video/advertising jingle for Augusten Burroughs’ shop in western Massachusetts (sound on!). My sister sent this to me the other day, and I needed it.
I was briefly in New York City last week for the audio and podcasting gathering On Air Fest. Here I am with the cute and hot Death, Sex & Money team: Andrew Dunn, Zoe Azulay, Cameron Drews, and Daisy Rosario.
At On Air Fest, I interviewed comedian Rosebud Baker, whose new standup special The Mother Lode, is right up our alley, and writer Ada Calhoun talked with me about her just-published novel Crush, which is a very smart and fun read.
Our conversations, which we’ll share with you in our feed very soon, had me thinking a lot about the different life phases during womanhood…. and then I watched the movie My Old Ass on the flight back from New York City last week.
My Old Ass stars Aubry Plaza and Maisy Stella. It’s about a 39-year-old coming back to warn her teenage self about falling in love with the wrong person during the summer before college. There’s a pivotal scene where the soundtrack swells with Feist’s “Let It Die,” a song 20-years-ago Anna was obsessed with when she was hungry for feelings and faking confidence. Did I have a moment in my window seat.
It’s a very sweet film. Maisy Stella, in particular, puts in an incredible performance. She won an Independent Spirit Award last weekend for it. And for my fellow Connie Britton superfans, you may appreciate knowing that, as a child actor, Stella played the youngest of the angel-voiced daughters of Ms. Britton on the TV show Nashville. How exciting to watch our girl grow up and do such cool things!
Our new episode this week with writer and comedian Chelsea Devantez gave me the same kind of feelings as My Old Ass. I think it’ll leave you wanting to hug and cheer for teenage Chelsea and present-day Chelsea all at once.
This week on Death, Sex & Money: Chelsea Devantez
On the show this week, comedian and writer Chelsea Devantez joins me. Her memoir I Shouldn’t Be Telling You This is a really wonderful read. It’s about many things, including growing up without enough money, discovering sperm donor paternity, coping with trauma with super-competence, being raised by women who appreciate animal print, and hustling your way into a comedy scene that doesn’t always get you.
She also writes about a violent relationship when she was 16, and when, years later, her body stopped tolerating her tightly wound coping mechanisms. That culminates in a funny/sad scene of Chelsea having to bike herself to an urgent care with embarrassing and mysterious symptoms that weren’t scatological exactly….more like scatologically adjacent.
Chelsea and I also get into the long grief after the end of a best friendship, and she tells me about why she’s so glad she and her husband decided to go all out when they planned their wedding:
I just think about like, God, what if I hadn't done that? My family's pretty fragmented at times. Trauma really silos you, even though you all experienced, you know, the same stepdad, you can be siloed. And so that made me think like, maybe I'm not meant for like all these traditions that kind of highlight how broken we are. And instead they like brought us together.
Ihe night before the wedding I jumped in this hotel pool in a different wedding dress I was wearing. And somehow my, my two brothers, we all have different dads, they were walking through the hotel and saw me. And next thing I know they're jumping in the pool with me. And then my mom is jumping in the pool.
Now security's on their way over. But in that moment I'm like, oh my god, we lived through a nightmare together and sometimes apart. And now we're in a hotel pool in fancy clothes. What if I hadn't had a wedding and like gotten that memory, you know?
Manhood: It’s Still Complicated
During my travels last week, we shared an episode about manhood that we first produced in 2018, featuring the voices and mixed feelings of really different men in our listening audience. You’ll hear updates from some of them in the episode, and then I got this additional message from a listener named Cisco:
I have been drafting this message over and over in my mind since I received your email almost a week ago. Suffice it to say, I have lots of thoughts, and I'll try to organize them in categories.
Parenting: When we spoke, my sons were 4- and 1-year-old. I have tried to be intentional about how I speak and interact with them. Even in something as benign as referring to them as "kids" rather than "boys", I have tried to offer space to self-determine, even early in their lives. I watched them both experiment with wearing dresses and painting their fingernails, only to later watch them turn away from those things because of pressure from their friends. Now, at 7 and 10, they both comfortably fit the mold of "boys", but I remain steadfast in calling them kids. I do my best to model not being a "good man" but rather being a good human.…Maybe the most important part of raising kids I imagine will be men one day is preparing them for the power and privilege they have and will have and guiding them, as best I can, to use it ethically, responsibly, and, eventually, to use it to lift up other folks whose identities or situations don't allow them that power and privilege.
Dating: My kids' mom and I officially divorced last year, but we had been out of romantic relationship with each other for more than a year, and we had been in a polyamorous relationship before that. As a result, I have been on the dating market for a few years now, and that has provided a new and different lens through which I can interrogate how I embody manhood. I say I have been "on the dating market" because, truth be told, I have been on precious few dates. I've mostly tried to find people on dating apps, but I think that's mostly a waste of time. I often wonder why. One theory I come back to often is that not many people are looking for a man in a 5'4", 120lb body. Or maybe it's that I'm unapologetic in my care for my kids and my students (I teach middle school). Is there room in the dating world for people who don't fit in the gender stereotypes? Or am I simply up against a system or a culture in dating apps that increasingly doesn't work for anyone. Honestly, I have more questions than answers here.
My dad: I listened back to our conversation and realized we spent a lot of time talking about my dad and how he responded to our family being robbed. Well, last month he turned 87. He still lives alone and seems to make do pretty well, but I live 8 hours away, so I don't see him frequently. The older he gets, the more concerned I feel that he isn't accepting his age. It's more important for him to show he's capable--that he can do all the things he has always done--than it is to be safe and be prepared for the future. I see a strong connection there between what I imagine he sees as manly--self-sufficiency, physical power, youth--and his aging. Our relationship is fine, which is probably its own sort of indictment. I have tried to accept who he is, which also includes grieving the loss of who I hoped he could be.…My half-brothers all live in Texas and speak to him less often than I do. My dad's siblings are all in Mexico, even though he's probably closest in the world with his sister. Meanwhile, I'm watching a man alienated by his own manhood, who cannot admit to others or to himself that his body is becoming weaker, he is sad and lonely, and he needs other people to continue to live a fulfilling life. I feel crushed and heartbroken and agonizingly powerless in the face of it.
Again, thanks for reaching out. Even simply having an opportunity to write about this has been meaningful.
—Cisco
Thanks again for reading and for listening. One last thing: a particular joy of getting to go to a festival about audio storytelling is getting to see some of my heroes.
Pictured above are just a few of them and their podcasts: Bianca Giaever, who makes the beautiful podcast Constellation Prize, and Matt Katz of Inconceivable Truth, together with Tonya Mosley of She Has A Name. Bianca talked about documentary-making as a spiritual practice, and Matt and Tonya talked with editor Emily Forman about the ethics and journalism involved in digging into painful family secrets. May we all have family members as principled, thoughtful, and brave as Matt and Tonya.
Until next week,
Anna
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