Betrayed Spouses, Spouses in Affairs & Affair Partners
and I want to know: what are the best movies/tv/books/music about infidelity?
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Every time I scroll into a video made by Lauren LaRusso, I pause and watch.
She makes these *very sticky* social posts about the emotional toll of illicit affairs from all different perspectives. She often plays more than one character involved—kind of a Tracey Ullman Show meets Dynasty. She uses these videos to show us something that’s often private and can be embarrassing—the incremental breakdown of communication when one member of a relationship lies to the other.
Lauren is a therapist who specializes in infidelity and works with clients who have secret relationships, spouses who’ve been betrayed, and affair partners who often don’t feel in control of their fate. She also has been personally impacted by infidelity. Her first marriage ended because of her ex’s affair.
We talk about all this in this week’s episode. Listen here.
And we have a special drop this week for Slate Plus members. I talked with a listener named Ana about her story of divorce that unfolded in the Philippines, where divorce isn’t technically legal. We talk about how she extracted herself from that relationship and why it ultimately led to her living on another continent. Join Slate Plus to hear my conversation with Ana while supporting our work at Death, Sex & Money—thank you!
Your responses: support groups and weight-loss surgery
Last week, I shared a listener question about what to do when your spouse is in recovery, and you need emotional support but aren’t sure they can handle it. We got this response at deathsexmoney@slate.com:
For the listener who wrote in:
I found my own healing in Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a Twelve Step recovery program for people whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. I attend meetings in person and online. There is no cost and it is anonymous.
Finding a fellowship of individuals who experienced the same thing was instrumental. Listening to them taught me how to cope with uncertainty, avoid resentments, and communicate with clarity and compassion. As I gained tools and strategies for my own behavior and feelings, I was able to detach from my husband's drinking….
I had become hyper-capable and took control over everything in our marriage when my husband was drinking. When he got sober, I had to let him be responsible for his own stuff. Guess what? He took pride in running his own life! He is happy when I ask for help and support because now he can give it….
My hand in yours,
—Liz in New Jersey
Isn’t that the most lovely way to sign off a note? “My hand in yours.” How kind.
Our episode last week about body size, Ozempic and romance also got you writing in with thoughts, and in this week’s new episode, I share some of the responses we got from our conversation. Among them was this note:
I just finished listening to the recent episode about ozempic and body size. Ronald Young Jr.’s comment about bariatric surgery was pretty alarming to me. Of course this type of surgery isn’t for everyone for a variety of reasons, but he seemed to proliferate many of the stereotypes and stigmas that exist in the culture. I found this disappointing coming from someone who positions himself as an advocate for body positivity and acceptance….
I had gastric sleeve back in November 2020 and have lost about 160 pounds. I have found it to be a largely positive experience, although you can never fully prepare for the emotional impact of a body transformation like that.—Name withheld
As always, thanks for being in touch and letting us know what Death, Sex & Money makes you think about, including where it snags you.
Other Recommendations.
This week’s episode gave me the occasion to talk with Lauren about this Erykah Badu classic about when you notice a spark with someone, but you’re already in a monogamous relationship.
Oh man, I love this song.
And I’ve been thinking about other depictions of infidelity and illicit affairs in pop culture, and how to do them well.
On the one hand, there are going to be well-trod beats: the moment of connection, the hesitation, the giving over….and then the cover-up and the big questions of what to do next. But these stories keep me coming back because they are about the essential tensions in our moral lives, like obligation to our commitments versus freedom to pursue our individual desires, and how each of us might handle facing uncomfortable truths that could hurt others and/or make us look bad.
What books/songs/movies/plays about cheating and infidelity do you think have done it the best? Leave your thoughts in the comments.
I wrote a few months ago about how I tore through Roxana Robinson's new novel Leaving and its “eminently discussable” ending.
There are others that have stuck with me. When my children were very young, and I hung out at playgrounds a lot, I thought a lot about this movie, Little Children, based on the Tom Perotta novel, about when a spark at the neighborhood toddler hangouts leads to all sorts of trouble.
Remembering Tom Perotta made me think back to when I got to interview him back in 2013 for a radio piece I made about the lasting cultural legacy of another classic about infidelity: The Scarlet Letter. It was a piece for the public radio show Studio 360 (RIP) for their American Icons series.
Perotta reread The Scarlet Letter before we spoke, which I find very sweet looking back. This piece also namechecks Taylor Swift and Twin Peaks and features writer Lindy West and an English professor and Hawthorne biographer who call the book “super-queer” and “very sexy.” You can listen here.
Until next week,
Anna
Listen to our latest Death, Sex & Money episodes
11/19 How a Betrayed Spouse Became an Infidelity Expert (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
11/19 Plus: Divorce is Illegal in My Country. Here’s How I Escaped My Marriage. (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
11/12 Will He Still Love Me When I’m Off Ozempic? (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
11/12 Plus: A Body Positive Educator Contends with Her Eating Disorder (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
11/5 A Celebration (and Critique) of American Freedom (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
10/29 The Making and Unmaking of a Productivity Perfectionist (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
10/22 Haley Joel Osment Is Not Your Typical Former Child Star (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
10/22 Plus: The New Era of Pop Womanhood (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
10/15 Search Engine: When Is It Time To Stop Drinking? (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
10/8 My Father Planned His Death. I Didn’t Stop Him. (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
10/8 Plus: Two Sex Columnists on Tapping Turn-ons (Apple|Spotify|Slate)
One of the best movies would have to be 'The Pumpkin Eater' (1964) with a stellar performance by Anne Bancroft.
From the first few seconds of the song "Slip Away" by Clarence Carter, you'll be hooked. And thanks for your terrific show!